Suicide Prevention Month — A MOTHER’S PERSPECTIVE
“Sometimes I look over at him enjoying something: laughing, with his eyes shining bright, and I’m overwhelmed because he could have missed all this.”
For privacy sake, names will not be used in this post. Mom is the mother of Son, a teenage boy who attempted suicide in 2022. Mom sat down to share her experience with suicide to help another parent, another family, another person touched by suicide.
In February 2023, the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a summary of their Youth Risk Behavior Survey. One Focus Area of the survey is Mental Health and Suicidality. Findings show in 2021, 22% of high school students seriously considered attempting suicide during the previous year. 10% of high school students attempted suicide.
These numbers are increasing with each passing year.
With more and more high school students considering suicide each year, Mom’s experience and insight are relevant.
“Those numbers don’t surprise me and the statistics are personal now. It was MY SON who came to us and told us he’d tried to end his life. It was MY SON who cried and asked for help. It was MY SON who felt so overwhelmed that the only option he saw was suicide... My son has friends, is connected to his family, is active in after-school activities. But my son was also suffering. He didn’t know how to ask for help.”
Son’s suicide attempt was a suprise to Mom and the rest of the family. Although Son had expressed feelings of being overwhelmed and had even mentioned suicide months before, Mom did not think self harm was imminent. Son had even been in therapy for a couple months.
“The thing I want people to understand is my son didn’t seem ‘suicidal’ that day. He’d laughed, danced around, made jokes with his siblings. He still has never received a Depression diagnosis after seeing several mental health specialists. Because he isn’t depressed and yet he still tried to suicide.”
Son’s suicide attempt changed the family. “Everyone is more aware of how we work together. We are more mindful of each other’s needs. In the end, the suicide attempt facilitated more care and acceptance in our family. We are not all the same and we all understand we don’t need to be. Our different individual strengths compliment each other. We had a strong family foundation but each of us has learned to communicate better. It was not just Son’s issue to struggle through and figure out. Each of us played a role and each of us had work to do.”
According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, “Suicide most often occurs when stressors and health issues converge to create an experience of hopelessness and despair.” Possible health issues include: depression, anxiety disorders, substance use problems, mood disorders, physical pain and traumatic brain injury. Access to mental health care, feeling connected to family and community support, problem-solving and coping skills are all protective factors that reduce the negative impact of suicide.
Son continues to participate in therapy. He specifically works on productive ways to deal with stress and frustration. “He has found a voice, can express himself better than before. Is it perfect all the time? No. I still make mistakes as his mom. He still shuts down sometimes. But we are in a much better space, more honest and open.”
“I cannot express how happy I am to have my son at the dinner table, on Christmas morning, celebrating his birthday. I will also do everything in my power to get him whatever help he asks for. My goal is to let him lead the charge as he is in control of his own life. But I hope he knows I will support him; he doesn’t have to figure out life on his own.”
“What have I learned over the past year? None of us are alone. There are resources to help those considering suicide and there is help for the family and friends touched by suicide. I know now it is ok for me to ask him directly if he is thinking about killing himself. Literally, I use those words. Studies show that asking at-risk individuals direct questions about suicide does NOT increase suicide.”
Not only is it ok to ask the question, but ASK is the first thing on the National Institute of Mental Health’s 5 Action Steps for Helping Someone in Emotional Pain. The other action steps include “keep them safe” by limiting access to lethal items and places, “be there” by listening and learning what the person is feeling, “help them connect” and use the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, and “stay connected.”
“It has been one year. In that year, we have made tremendous progress. But sometimes, when I call him and he doesn’t answer his phone, I have a pit in my stomach. That worry still lives inside me. Did I miss something? Are things not going as well as I think? Have I done enough? And then he calls me back and the fear is pushed aside again. I don’t know how long I will have that momentary panic but I have accepted it for now. Because I still have him here, to hug and care for, and I know what a gift that is.”
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Please seek help if you or a loved one is at risk of suicide.